Funfetti Ascension
by sunrow
Summary: When Bucky makes a Tipsy Bartender drink called the Funfetti Cake Batter Martini, and then drinks it all at once, he finds himself in a situation unlike anything he's ever experienced. Crack drabble.


_A/N: I saw this post on tumblr, and one of the comments spurred me on to write this. It's basically surreal crack that's short and stupid but here we are! There's also a cameo from two X-Men ;)_

 _Enjoy!_

* * *

When Steve returned from his post-mission debriefing just before midnight, he was more than a little shocked to see Bucky in the kitchen scooping vanilla ice cream into a blender. There were two bottles of vodka next to him - one vanilla flavored, one cake - and finally a packet of Funfetti cake mix.

"Uh, Buck." Steve made his way over the kitchen counter and watched as he poured a generous amount of both vodka flavors into the blender. "What're you making?"

Bucky looked up at Steve with an excited grin. "I discovered Tipsy Bartender. It's this guy who makes all these cool cocktails and I had to try one." He poured the cake mix in next, then started blending all the ingredients together.

Steve knew Bucky had a sweet tooth, but even he had to admit that this was on another level. At least his super-soldier metabolism would help him not go into cardiac arrest.

"Uh-huh. I'm gonna have a shower, so have fun."

"Oh, I will." Bucky looked almost manic, but Steve figured he deserved to be self-indulgent.

Except, when he returned from his quick shower, Steve found Bucky on the couch clutching the now empty blender in both hands, no actual cup in sight. He rolled his eyes and strolled over to see Bucky staring into nothingness, breathing heavily with his pupils blown wide. He didn't react to Steve's presence.

Steve just sighed and shook his head, leaving Bucky there while he went to bed. He knew Bucky would be fine.

* * *

Bucky hadn't meant to drink the whole thing so fast. But it had tasted so damn good and he couldn't help himself. He drank it all and ended up sinking back into the couch, feeling heavy-limbed and weightless all at once. The sugar and alcohol buzzed through his body, fighting against his serum-enhanced metabolism… and won. He knew the moment it did, when his heartbeat sped up and sweat broke out along his hairline.

The rush felt amazing.

He started to feel like his mind was leaving his body, and then he blinked and he was no longer in his and Steve's living room. Instead he found himself sitting on his couch in a glowing white room, staring at nothing. The walls were glowing so bright that it almost hurt to look at them.

"Hello, James."

Bucky spun around to find who spoke, and was no longer in the white room on his couch, and instead standing in a sleek grey hallway with lights running along the edges of the walls. He was facing a bald man in a wheelchair, and assumed he was the one that spoke.

"Who are you?"

"I am God," the man answered, simply. He smiled politely and waited.

"And I am the Devil." The new voice came from behind Bucky, and he spun around to find a tall white-haired man in a long black coat.

Bucky could feel the power radiating from the men, but all he did was frown and hold his head in his hands, slumping against the wall. "Ah, shit, I must be dreaming."

"You are," said the man in the wheelchair.

The other man, the _Devil_ , nodded in agreement. "But that doesn't mean we're not real."

"That doesn't make any sense." Bucky groaned and rubbed his temples, wondering if all the sugar in the drink was making him hallucinate.

"You've been through a lot, James. But your trials are over. You are a free man."

What did these people know about him, anyway? Even if they were God and the Devil.

"You just answered your own question. We know all…"

And then they faded from existence, and Bucky's world went dark.

* * *

Bucky woke up in a waffle house parking lot, the watch on his wrist telling him it was twenty-passed-four in the morning. He had a killer headache, as well as feeling nauseous for the first time in a while. He got up, glad it was still dark out, and glad to find his phone in his pocket. Steve would be furious when Bucky called him to come pick him up, but it had to be done.

There were memories from the night before flitting through his mind, of a glowing room, of two strange men in a hallway. Mostly he just felt the strange sensation that he was missing something, but he couldn't figure out what. He had no idea how he got to the parking lot, either.

All he knew was that he was never going to make another Tipsy Bartender recipe ever again.


End file.
